Grieving Over the Loss of a Parent

One thing that most people crave is a sense of stability, to know that their world has some constants that allow them to make sense of the world and themselves. That sense of constancy may come from the house we live in, the routines we adhere to, or the people we have around us. Few relationships frame our existence quite the same way as that between a parent and child, which is why the loss of a parent and the grieving that follows is so significant.

A child often comes into the world with parents around them, and these are the first people that the child knows. Their family forms the first relationships they have, and those relationships shape them in profound ways as they grow older and form relationships with other people.

The loss of a parent likely marks the end of one’s longest-standing relationships, and the grief from that loss will mark a person for the rest of their life, and it can be complicated in various ways.

How our grief works.

You may have heard about the 5 stages of grief before. It’s something that Elizabeth Kübler Ross wrote about in her book “On Death and Dying”. In that book, she noted that while everyone can grieve differently, there are some commonalities in how grief works for different people.

Grief can be divided into five stages that describe certain feelings experienced during grief. Kübler Ross’ observations came from years of working with terminally ill people.

The five stages of grief are as follows:

Denial.

One can pretend that the loss they’ve experienced isn’t real. It may simply be too overwhelming to process and acknowledge at that moment.

Anger.

Feelings of anger can mask other emotions that you may be carrying at that moment. The anger may be directed at just about everyone, including the parent you’ve lost. Anger can mask bitterness, fear, resentment, or even regret.

Bargaining.

When you feel vulnerable and helpless, one way to regain control over the situation is to try and change what has happened. We can try to bargain with God, or we can find ourselves making many “if only” statements.

Depression.

When your emotions catch up to you, you can begin the process of sitting with your emotions. You might isolate yourself from others, and find yourself feeling sad, confused, or heavy.

Acceptance.

This is when you come to accept what the loss of your parent means. You can live your life, though your loss still marks you indelibly.

There is another model of how grief works, which highlights seven stages, and these are shock and denial; pain and guilt; anger and bargaining; depression; the upward turn; reconstruction and working through; and finally, acceptance and hope.

There is no formula for how grief works; the stages don’t follow smoothly from one to another, and you won’t necessarily go through them all. The stages do help to alert you to the different experiences you may have as you grieve.

Knowing how grief works will help you anticipate and understand some of the things you’ll do and say when you’re grieving your parent. When you know what to expect, and when you have some understanding of what you’re going through, that can help you to know what your needs are, and it can assist you in actively finding ways to have those needs met.

If you do find yourself dwelling on one stage, and if you begin to lose perspective on life or it begins to affect your daily functioning such as your ability to go to work or school, you can reach out for help from a grief counselor to walk with you as you process your grief.

Help for grieving over the loss of a parent.

Just as in other situations, the grief that one experiences over the loss of a parent can be complicated by the nature of the relationship you had with your parent. If it was fractious or riddled with conflict, one may wrestle with regret, or perhaps there’s a need for forgiveness to overcome past hurts.

Other complications include the fact that you may not have known them because they died while you were young, or perhaps your birth parents gave you up for adoption, which may have brought on feelings of abandonment. You may find yourself lingering in anger as you process what their loss means.

Grieving is a personal process, as no two people grieve in the same way. That’s to say nothing of the fact that the nature of the relationship itself also affects how a person grieves.

If you find, however, that grieving has immobilized you, or you’re struggling to process your emotions about what has happened to your parent, there are good resources available for processing your feelings and finding assurance. One such resource is to talk with a mental health professional such as a Christian counselor to work through your grief effectively so that you can find healing.