Grief Before Its Time: Understanding Anticipatory Grief

Grief doesn’t always look the same, nor does it affect a person at the time you might assume it would. Often, the expectation is that grief sets in once you’ve experienced loss of some kind, but the reality is that the grieving process can and does occur earlier. Anticipatory grief is a form of grief that settles before the loss occurs. This can make it hard to process, and it can even result in conflict with loved ones.

Why We Grieve Before Loss Happens

It can be hard to wrap your head around this idea. Why would someone grieve before they have to, before their loss has taken place? While it seems counterintuitive, it does make sense. Anticipatory grief is more common than you would imagine, and if you’re experiencing it, know that you’re not alone. Other people have also found themselves mourning loss prior to it occurring.

One of the reasons why anticipatory grief occurs is that it’s a way for your heart and for your mind to start making sense of a loss that’s on the horizon, and to start processing what that loss means. It can be helpful to think of it as a way we try to prepare ourselves for the worst-case scenario. Anticipatory grief is also a way to cope with the coming loss.

Anticipatory grief isn’t necessarily a replacement for the grief that might set in once the loss occurs definitively. It’s a real grief that simply sets in ahead of time. Some situations where anticipatory grief can set in include when you’re dealing with a loved one’s deteriorating health, when your relationship is heading toward a breakup or divorce, and when dealing with issues such as terminal illness.

Examples of Anticipatory Grief

In talking about anticipatory loss, it’s a form of grief that sets in before the loss has actually occurred. This can be misleading because it makes it sound as though loss happens all at once. There may be a definitive event in time that you can point to, but that doesn’t mean that loss hasn’t happened in stages. Some examples of anticipatory grief might illustrate this point well.

A family member might receive a diagnosis for dementia, Alzheimer’s, or Parkinson’s, for example. There are new treatments that are being developed to address these serious conditions, but they are often degenerative and result in a gradual decline in cognition and daily functioning. With such conditions, your loved one slips away gradually, and you lose them piece by piece, in small imperceptible ways, as well as obvious ones.

Another example is if you or a loved one receives a diagnosis of a terminal condition, such as cancer at an advanced stage. Through the process of mitigation through surgery and chemotherapy, anticipatory grief can set in, sometimes because of setbacks in the treatment, and at other times despite successful interventions. This form of grief can set in over the months of dealing with the disease.

Similarly, if your partner decides to end the relationship, that conversation might happen over some months, or it’s possible to have felt it coming through subtle or not-so-subtle hints. In either case, it’s possible to lose the relationship by degrees, and to begin mourning its loss before the definitive break happens.

Grief also results from the loss of a beloved pet that has brought meaning to your life and your family’s life. If your pet is getting old or is in declining health, anticipatory grief can occur as you navigate the impending loss of that pet.

There are other ways grief occurs in our lives, whether it’s the loss of community, going through different life stages, losing a cherished friend due to a huge argument, or moving from your home to start a new job or college. Even good life transitions can result in some sense of loss, as change often means losing the relationships and connections that give our lives meaning. Such loss can trigger anticipatory grief.

How Anticipatory Grief Can Affect You

Scripture reminds us that “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens… a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1,4 NIV) Loss, however it comes, brings grief, and it’s important to allow yourself the time you need to grieve.

Grief affects your mind, heart, body, and even how you interact with others. It’s not uncommon to feel tired, overwhelmed, listless, or to struggle to concentrate when you’re grieving. Other ways that anticipatory grief might affect you include the following:

Being emotionally numb or anxious Anticipatory grief can result in emotional numbness, which can make it hard to feel invested in activities or to connect with other people. You can wind up feeling disconnected from everything and everyone. Grief can also result in anxiety as you worry about what the future will hold or how you’ll cope with the loss. Being anxious can make it hard to focus on your daily tasks.

Increased irritability and stress levels Grief can also result in increased stress levels, in part because of the complex emotions it unleashes that need to be managed. The impending loss might mean changes in income, changed relationship dynamics, or other significant life changes. When you’re stressed, that can make you more short-tempered or irritable, which can create conflict and additional strain on relationships.

Changed sleep patterns and appetite Grief can take a toll on your body and mind, resulting in disruptions to how you sleep and eat. You may find yourself ruminating or feeling overwhelmed, and this can result in behaviors as divergent as insomnia or oversleeping, and you might find yourself eating too little or eating too much. These changes can worsen your emotional distress.

Imagining life after the loss Anticipatory grief often draws you into imagining what’s going to happen after the loss occurs. This can be quite painful. It can lead you to speculate about how you’ll cope and what life will look like in the aftermath. You may begin to make mental preparations for the loss, and you may even find yourself feeling guilty or relieved about the potential loss, which can add to the emotional distress of the situation.

Anticipatory grief can leave you feeling guilty or worried that you’re giving up on the person, or perhaps even wishing for the worst. However, you must recognize that grieving doesn’t mean giving up or being unconcerned about your loved one. It’s just one way of trying to prepare for and process loss.

How Anticipatory Grief May Affect Others

One of the challenges of anticipatory grief is how others perceive it. It isn’t your job to manage others’ feelings for them, but it is helpful to be aware of how others might be experiencing you as you grieve. As anticipatory grief takes place before the event of loss occurs, others might misunderstand you or possibly take offense.

Anticipatory grief can trigger feelings of anxiety and even guilt for feeling loss before it has occurred definitively. Family members who witness and experience you grieving might perceive you as being pessimistic or dramatic. The person that you’re grieving might feel like you’re giving up on them prematurely. All this can create unintended hurt, and it can even foment conflict.

You can try to explain what’s happening so that it doesn’t create unnecessary strain. As you process the loss, you should carve out the space you need to grieve.

How to Handle Anticipatory Grief

What can you do if you’re experiencing anticipatory grief? Some helpful tools you can use include the following:

Identify what’s happening You can identify anticipatory grief by looking out for things like imagining your life without the person or feeling anxious about the future without them. If you begin to make emotional and mental preparations for the loss, you may feel detached or distant from the person. By acknowledging what’s happening, you can prepare yourself better to cope with your experience of grief.

Let the grief do its work Grieving is about processing loss and coming to terms with a new reality. You can embrace the process by acknowledging your emotions, whether that’s guilt, relief, anxiety, anger, or sadness.

Instead of suppressing these feelings and thoughts or putting on a brave face, allow yourself to feel these things, giving yourself time to make sense of them. You can use things like writing or art to explore and express what you’re going through in this season.

Take care of yourself Grief can lead you to strange places, disrupting your routines that help bring a sense of stability and normalcy to your day. Take care of yourself by doing some movement that helps you stay active, as well as eating and sleeping well, doing things you love, and taking breaks. Taking care of yourself allows you to handle the strain of grief much better than if you didn’t.

Get support Grief unleashes emotions and thoughts that can be confusing and hard to process. Talk to someone about it all, whether a trusted loved one, a professional counselor, or both. Receiving understanding and comfort can make a significant difference. An outside voice can help you be gentle with yourself as you experience your grief.

Instead of struggling alone, reach out and talk with someone like a grief counselor. They can help you navigate your grief in a healthy way. There are counselors listed here who can help. Call or email to learn more.