4 Causes of an Insecure Attachment Style

If you’ve been in a relationship, you probably know the feeling. Perhaps your loved one isn’t texting or calling as often, and so you assume they aren’t interested in you anymore. To preempt the inevitable, you decide to break up with them before they break up with you. But to your surprise, you find that you made massive assumptions and blew the relationship up without cause. You may be struggling with an insecure attachment style.

The way we respond to others in relationships is shaped considerably by past experiences. You carry fears and expectations into new situations based on what you’ve been through before. Sometimes, these fears and expectations, which comprise your attachment style, can stem from a traumatic experience, and lead you astray and into unhealthy behaviors that undermine a healthy relationship.

Attachment Styles and Their Effects

Your attachment style is about how you behave and relate to others in your relationships. Some attachment styles are secure, while others are insecure. A secure attachment refers to healthy behaviors you exhibit in your relationships, flowing from the quality of the bonding experiences you had with your parents or caregivers as a child.

When a child feels understood and safe, and their needs are met, they develop a secure and successful attachment. Their needs were rightly interpreted and met, which helps the child develop an expectation that it can express needs, and those needs will be met. A secure attachment in childhood will often translate into an adult who trusts others, is self-confident, can express their needs, and manages conflict well.

The importance of these formative relationships becomes clear when evaluating instances where one’s needs are met inconsistently or not at all, or where they experience confusing and frightening things. If needs aren’t met or are misinterpreted, it leads to an insecure form of attachment. This affects how one relates and responds to others throughout life, including stunting intimacy and emotional intelligence.

Insecure attachments can make forming intimate relationships with others difficult, being too clingy or needy in relationships due to fear of losing others’ affection, and the inability to understand and regulate their own emotions, which can affect relationships.

Some Causes of An Insecure Attachment Style

Insecure attachments can result from those formative relationships one has as a child with caregivers or parents, but they can also result from adult relationships. There are many reasons why a person may develop an insecure attachment style, or why the people in one’s life aren’t able to create a secure attachment. Some of the causes of an insecure attachment style include the following:

An inconsistent presence

If one has a parent or caregiver who was absent for one reason or another, that inconsistency can lead to issues. They may have struggled with depression, which forced them from their caregiving role, for instance. Substance abuse, divorce, or the death of a parent or caregiver can also lead to needs not being met consistently.

Inexperience

A young or inexperienced parent or caregiver who lacks the necessary skills to meet one’s needs may struggle to read and respond to needs appropriately.

Trauma, neglect, and abuse

Not having your physical needs looked after, like not getting enough exercise, food, or sufficient medical attention can cause issues. Emotional neglect, like not being paid attention to, being misunderstood, and not being engaged with meaningfully can also cause problems. Experiencing physical or sexual abuse, as well as traumatic experiences such as a serious illness or accident can also disrupt a secure attachment.

Instability

If your home environment is unstable due to issues such as frequent moves or placements in foster care, that can lead to an insecure attachment style.

As an adult, some of the experiences that can contribute to attachment issues and fear of abandonment include if your current or former partner cheats on you. If you date or are in a serious relationship with partners who are emotionally unavailable, inconsistent, emotionally abusive, or narcissistic, that can also lead to a more insecure attachment style.

Moving Toward a More Secure Attachment Style

To move to a more secure attachment style, there are several things you can do. Some of these include becoming more aware of your own needs, emotions, and thoughts. Take time to meet your own basic needs, such as eating a nutritious and balanced diet, being sure to get enough sleep each night, staying hydrated, getting regular exercise, and journaling or reflecting to process and better understand your emotions.

You can also challenge your thoughts and feelings. You shouldn’t take your feelings as facts or assume that your fear is telling you the truth. Question whether your fear of getting dumped because your loved one hasn’t responded to a text is reasonable and choose a different narrative that gives the benefit of the doubt in the absence of information.

Take the time to deliberately nurture healthy relationships. You can find and invest in people who have a secure attachment style. Build relationships with people who respect, appreciate, and support you.

Instead of carrying on as normal, address your traumas. One place to do this, and to start building a sense of safety in relationships is with a therapist or counselor. Your counselor or therapist is a safe and consistent space where you can begin unlearning unhealthy relationship habits. Your counselor can help you unearth and make sense of the past traumas that shaped your attachment style, working with you toward a more secure attachment style.

If you are ready to address your attachment insecurities by speaking to a counselor or therapist in Richardson, Texas, contact our office today at Richardson Christian Counseling in Texas.