Signs of Emotional Infidelity and How it Affects Relationships

People do not just function as purely rational beings; we are also deeply emotional, and that is just the way that God made us. Our emotions alert us to what is going on inside of us, and they can direct our actions in significant ways. For instance, deep anger at an injustice can drive you to agitate for change. Similarly, deep affection for someone may move you to care for them in ways you would not with a stranger.

All of us have a deep need to feel seen and heard. When we find ourselves being unappreciated or overlooked by others, that can cause frustration as well as feelings of low self-worth. To rectify this, one might look elsewhere for the validation and sense of being appreciated that they seek. This is one of many varied reasons why people engage in emotional infidelity.

Defining emotional infidelity

One way of defining emotional infidelity is that it is when a person in a committed romantic relationship forms a deep level of connection with another person. This connection approximates or has the same level of emotional intimacy as a romantic relationship. It may even exceed the depth and quality of the connection to the primary committed relationship.

An emotional affair is a non-sexual relationship in which two people share their emotions, thoughts, aspirations, and support with each other in ways that cross a line. When an emotional affair happens, the third party often becomes the one that is approached to share problems, secrets, and dreams with. These are all things that are typically shared in a committed relationship, but the emotional affair often displaces the legitimate partner.

Some signs of emotional infidelity

The line, between just friends and something more, can be a tricky one to discern. Some purely platonic relationships are quite deep, so it is good to know when that depth crosses a line and becomes something else entirely. Some of the signs of emotional infidelity to look out for include the following:

A new confidant

An emotional affair often looks like the third party being prioritized over the legitimate partner. They may become the one confided in first or exclusively, and not one’s partner. Any news, whether good or bad, is shared first with the third party and not with one’s partner, for instance.

Frequent contact

There will be a great deal of contact, through phone calls, texts, emails, spending time together in person and otherwise. The communication might happen at questionable times, and family or other obligations might be set aside to be with the other person or remain in contact with them. Along with frequent contact is the fact that your partner gets less time with you.

Inappropriate sharing

When you find yourself discussing overly personal topics, including your relationship with your partner and any problems in it, such sharing may be a sign of an emotional affair. If accompanied by comparisons between your partner and them, it can lead to an even deeper sense of dissatisfaction with your primary relationship, without necessarily taking steps to repair the issues.

Fixated thoughts

If you are constantly thinking about the other person and make them the focus of your attention, that may also indicate an emotional affair. You may find your ability to concentrate wanes, especially when what you need to focus on has little to nothing to do with the person.

Feeling understood

When you feel that the other person understands you in ways your partner does not, it threatens your relationship with your primary partner. If the other person’s ability to understand you reflects poorly on your partner or it makes you resentful of them, then what is happening may be an emotional affair and not simply a good friendship.

Being secretive

A huge sign of an emotional affair is when you start doing things in secret. This could entail communicating or spending time with the other person. If lies or omissions become regular and contact and messages are kept hidden from your partner, you should be concerned. If you delete texts or other forms of communication to hide them from your partner, it indicates that something is not quite right.

A good rule of thumb to discern an emotional affair is this: If you would not be happy for your partner to overhear your conversations or see your texts with this other person, know how much time you are spending with them and thinking about them, or find out you are hiding your contact with this person, it is a good indicator that an emotional affair is taking place.

How it affects relationships

We only have a finite amount of emotional energy. If you are in a committed romantic relationship, the bulk of your energy needs to go to your partner. However, an emotional affair takes from the primary relationship and ultimately undermines it. An emotional affair can be just as intense, if not more so, than a physical one, and it can have a devastating effect on the primary relationship.

The discovery of an emotional affair can provoke feelings of betrayal, shock, sadness, and deep anger. Often, when there is suspicious behavior indicating an emotional affair, the truth may only emerge after many agonizing arguments, denial and even gaslighting has occurred. This causes additional damage to the relationship that needs to be repaired. The trust that has been broken takes time and effort to repair.

When trust breaks down in a relationship, it can lead to losing confidence in the relationship and its future. It is possible to move beyond emotional infidelity and to rebuild connection and trust. It requires reestablishing boundaries to protect the primary relationship, opening up to your partner so that they know what is going on in your life, and spending quality time together where you can connect meaningfully.

If you or your partner are having an emotional affair, consider talking to a mental health professional. A counselor can help you address any underlying issues that might be causing you or your partner to seek out these emotional connections with others, and they can help you strengthen your relationship.

If you are ready for this, reach out to our offices today. We will connect you with a Christian therapist who is especially experienced in emotional infidelity.