Why Go for Premarital Counseling?

Are you thinking of getting married? Or married again? Before you make that wonderful commitment in the presence of God, it would be wise to go for premarital counseling as a couple. Facilitated by a professional and experienced counselor, you and your future spouse will be able to talk through critical issues and obtain guidance on navigating conflict or potential obstacles to a successful relationship.

Biblical premarital counseling in Texas will help you and your future spouse to prepare your hearts and minds for the type of marriage that God intended and in which you both can flourish and grow together.

What does God say about marriage?

Unlike other contractual arrangements made by human beings, marriage is God’s institution. It is His idea and His design. The primary purpose of marriage, like the purpose of our lives in general, is actually to glorify God.

It is supposed to be a living picture of Christ’s relationship with the church – a relationship that is characterized by sacrificial love as each spouse seeks the good of the other above himself or herself. Our security, happiness, and other goals for marriage are still important but they are secondary and subject to this first goal.

God has designed marriage to function best according to the rules He has established and laid out for us in His Word. He is clear that it is intended to last a lifetime. Therefore, we should take marriage seriously, and find out what it requires of us. We should not rush into it without careful consideration or counsel from other trustworthy and wise Christians.

The Bible acknowledges that the world and our relationships have been marred by sin and that sometimes marriages are severed by death or divorce. God makes provision for people to remarry in certain cases; remarriage here is not sinful and is intended particularly as protection for women and children.

Are you both in a position to be married?

Before getting engaged, you should ask yourself whether you and your potential spouse are in a position to be married. Are you both unmarried? Are you both Christian? Are you both of legal age to be married? Are you both able to “leave and cleave,” in other words, live independently of your respective families, both financially and relationally, to create your own new family unit? If divorced, did you have biblical grounds for divorce?

If one or both of you are underage or married to other people, or one of you is an unbeliever, or you did not have biblical grounds for divorce, you are not currently in a position to get married. If you are not yet able to leave and cleave, this is an issue that needs to be carefully and thoughtfully resolved before you become engaged or head down the aisle.

If you or your partner are unsure of whether you’re in a position to be married, speak to your pastor or a trained biblical counselor and seek godly advice.

Are you good friends?

According to marriage research from the Gottman Institute, successful marriages are based on friendship. Nurturing, fondness, and admiration are evident in the relationship. It is not necessary to be similar or to have everything in common, and a lack of conflict is not necessarily an indicator of a solid marriage.

Ask yourself if you admire your potential spouse. Do you seek to build each other up in Christ? Do you confide in each other? Is there simple and regular affection apart from sexual attraction? Are you comfortable with each other in different environments, or does the relationship suffer in certain contexts? How do you manage differences of opinion, conflict, or disagreements?

Good friendships and strong marriages are created when people risk openness with one another because they are secure in Christ. They respond graciously to one another, having the humility to know that they are sinners and need God’s forgiveness. They restore one another humbly when they have been sinned against, to promote the image of Christ in each other.

Are these characteristics of your relationship? Where do you need to grow or change?

Are you thinking of getting remarried and/or blending families?

Perhaps one or both of you are seeking to get remarried after a divorce or bereavement. Alongside your joy at the prospect, this can often generate anxiety as well as you think about past hurts or toxic behavioral patterns from a previous marriage, or in the case of a bereavement, feelings of guilt around “replacing” your late spouse.

There may be fears of another failure or loss that need to be dealt with. Premarital counseling would help you to identify any lingering issues and work through them. Together with the counselor, you and your spouse can discuss how your new marriage could be a fresh start, and from the outset put in place healthy habits and boundaries.

If your new marriage means that two separate families with children will be blended, family counseling, along with premarital counseling, is strongly advised. Understand that remarrying with children involved is a completely different entity from remarrying without children.

Even if you and your future spouse think everyone will love the idea of blending your families, and you can’t foresee any issues, it is important to allow each child a safe space to share their opinions and concerns. Resist the temptation to simply announce an engagement and expect children to accept it or be as happy as you are.

Prepare them in advance – preferably even before you start dating again – by saying that you are thinking of remarrying in the future, and asking what they think about it. Be open to having many conversations about it with your children. Try not to immediately be on the defensive if your children are resistant to the idea of remarriage.

Understand that the idea is likely to generate complicated feelings in them too – renewed grief at the loss of their own nuclear family, fears about losing their place in your heart, worries about relationships with step-parents and siblings, and other issues.

It is worthwhile getting everyone in a room for several sessions with a family counselor to start to see and understand the potential dynamics of the new blended family. Be prepared to give children time to come around to the idea – don’t set a wedding date before ironing out the main struggles.

You and your potential spouse need to honestly examine your hearts and ask yourself some tough questions. Why do you want to remarry? Is giving God glory through your trust and obedience the front and center of your decision? Would this marriage be as good for the children as it would be for you? As a single parent, your ministry and responsibility are first to them before yourself or a potential spouse.

Who wins and who loses (if anyone)? Are you loving your children sacrificially, or are your selfish desires driving the decision to remarry? If the children are vehemently against the match, do they have good reasons? Would it be better to wait until they have left home before pursuing a new marriage?

Many of these questions do not have obvious answers and are wisdom issues. Therefore, it is worth thoroughly discussing them with a skilled biblical counselor during your premarital counseling sessions.

Seeking premarital counseling in Texas

In addition to the premarital counseling courses offered by churches, which often take place in a group setting, it would be helpful to have private counseling sessions as a couple with a trained Christian counselor in Texas to take discussions further.

These sessions will give you both a chance to give focused attention to concerns you may have about marriage or characteristics of your future spouse, which could be problematic. Contact our office today to book an appointment with a trained Christian counselor in Texas.